Everyone in a long-term relationship has doubts from time to time. Am I really happy? Is this the right person? Would I be better off with someone else? For most people, those thoughts come and go. In relationship OCD, often called ROCD, they don't. The doubt becomes constant, urgent and impossible to settle, and the effort to settle it starts to take over the relationship.
What relationship OCD looks like
ROCD tends to take one of two forms, and many people experience both.
Doubts about the relationship itself. Do I really love them? Am I attracted to them enough? Is this the right relationship, or am I settling? What if I'm only staying because I'm scared to leave?
Preoccupation with the partner's flaws. Fixating on an aspect of your partner, such as their appearance, intelligence, social skills or the way they laugh, and being unable to stop noticing it or wondering whether it means something.
What marks this out as OCD is not the content of the doubt but its quality. The thoughts are unwanted. They feel urgent, as if they must be resolved now. They don't fit with how you otherwise feel about your partner. And they take up a great deal of time.
The compulsions behind ROCD
As with every form of OCD, the doubt leads to attempts to get certainty, and those attempts are what keep it going. Common ones include:
- Checking your feelings: looking at your partner and testing whether you feel love, attraction or the "right" feeling
- Comparing your relationship with friends' relationships, or with couples in films and on social media
- Comparing your partner with exes, colleagues or strangers
- Going over the history of the relationship for evidence one way or the other
- Searching online for "how do you know if you're in love" or reading other people's stories
- Asking friends, family or your partner for reassurance, or confessing your doubts
- Avoiding situations that might trigger doubt, such as romantic films, weddings or certain conversations
The trouble is that feelings don't respond well to being checked. Love and attraction naturally fluctuate, and when you monitor them closely, they tend to feel flatter and less certain, which seems to confirm the fear. The more closely you check, the less you find, and the more anxious you become.
Is it ROCD, or a real relationship problem?
This is the question people with ROCD most want answered, and it is also the question OCD is built around. A few things are worth saying.
ROCD can happen in good relationships, and very often does. It tends to attach itself to relationships that matter, in the same way that harm OCD attaches itself to the people you would least want to harm.
Having ROCD doesn't mean a relationship can't also have real difficulties. Part of a careful assessment is distinguishing doubts that are driven by OCD from concerns that deserve attention in their own right.
Therapy for ROCD won't tell you whether to stay or leave. Its aim is to take the OCD out of the decision, so that whatever you choose is based on how you actually feel and what you value, not on the need to get rid of the doubt.
How ROCD is treated
ROCD responds to the same treatment as other forms of OCD: CBT with exposure and response prevention. Treatment starts by mapping the compulsions, especially the mental ones such as feeling-checking and comparing, which often go unnoticed (see Pure O: when compulsions aren't visible). It then works gradually on reducing them, including reassurance seeking, which often involves a partner (see Why reassurance keeps OCD going).
Underneath all of this is the demand for certainty. Nobody can be completely certain about a relationship, and learning to live with that is central to recovery. See OCD and intolerance of uncertainty.
ROCD is particularly hard to work on alone, because the doubt attaches itself to the very question you would use to judge progress: Do I feel better about the relationship yet? Working with someone who recognises the pattern makes it far easier to step out of it.
In my practice
People with ROCD often arrive exhausted, having spent months or years trying to answer a question that cannot be answered by thinking harder. Many feel guilty towards their partner and ashamed of the doubts. One of the most useful early steps is simply recognising the pattern as OCD rather than a verdict on the relationship. From there, treatment is structured and practical. You can read more about how I work on my OCD therapy page.
If any of this sounds familiar, you may find it useful to talk it through. I offer an initial assessment, online or in person in Queen's Park, and can tell you honestly whether I think treatment with me is the right fit.
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BABCP-accredited CBT therapist and EMDR Europe accredited practitioner, in clinical practice since 2015. Guy works with adults online and in Queen's Park, North West London, with a particular focus on OCD, anxiety and trauma. More about Guy